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Dreams, Raw

my course correction

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I think for the impact of this course correction and the profoundness it weighed on me to be understood with any chance of it helping another, I will have to expound on the background of the setting.  I apologize if it’s too detailed, but to leave out some may cause the effect to be lost, and then what’s the point?

The background is that I spend untold of hours as a watchman on the wall, scanning the landscape for threat or even hints of threat coming off the horizon.  In the process of operating at my post, I am compelled to evaluate perceived threats for their seriousness.  To do that, I must look past the surface and superficial, and really look at the nuts and bolts of something to the best of my abilities.  A headline, for instance, is not enough information to warrant a warning.  A whole article is not usually enough. 

There’s more to that, but the point of it is that I spend a lot of hours in dark holes of malicious intent and nefarious connections and roots.  The past few years have been heavy, and the past several months have worn me down considerably.   After awhile I realized I have not heard from God personally in quite some time – longer than usual.  In fact, the darkness of the hole I was in had swallowed the light and I have been scanning to see and hear God.  I have been desperate for some sort of balance to the dismal future I see before humanity.

From my journal entry:  I have been crying out to God for weeks upon weeks now.  I have not been able to see, hear, or perceive Him.  I have been in a shadow, a place I couldn’t understand or discern rightly.  I have been looking for God – straining to hear Him.  The blackness of this world – the corrupt state of our nation – the seeming lostness of my children – all of it has taken its toll and I have been in a dismal, dark place.  I have been looking, looking, looking for Him.  Where is He right now?  What is He doing?  What is He thinking?  How can I join Him if I don’t know where He is?  What He’s doing?  Has my soul become polluted from the cesspools I’ve been mortified by?  Has my heart gotten hardened by the depravity of our society and the growing cynicism in my heart?  Is He upset with me because my faith is so weak right now?  I have been watching and reporting on the darkness for so long now, have I become unable to see what He, the Light, is doing?  These have been some of the questions haunting me that I have been echoing to my God.

And sentiments like this have been my continual prayer before God for weeks upon weeks now, in between tasks, when I lie down at night and rise in the morning. 

I have the gift of faith, so faith comes easy for me.  I usually have enough faith for me and whatever community is around me.  I have no problem believing God.  Yet in November I confided to a couple of my best friends that I had never known my faith to be so weak.  I set myself to see what was the root.  I set myself before God.

I’ve been waiting.  And waiting. 

It got better as I set myself to read His Word more consistently, to set aside time to meditate and just be before Him.  But I still hadn’t heard from Him.  I’ve learned over the years how to posture myself to see and/or hear God when I need to.  I’m used to seasons of silence.  It doesn’t bother me, because I’ve learned He speaks and moves faithfully.  I’ve learned how to wait upon Him and wait for Him.  This was different.  This time was not like the rest.  It was nothingness.  Not a silence as in He wasn’t speaking, but a nothingness as in is He even there? 

Then Friday night, I was going to be alone again because Bill had to work late again.  I threw some leftovers in the oven and sat by the fire to eat them around 8:30pm.  As usual, I am talking to God on the in-betweens of thoughts and actions.  I sat down cross-legged in my chair before the fire, the plate on my lap, continued the last thought I had before Him, and as I picked up my fork to take a bite He said, “I’m right here, Michelle.”

He interrupted me, and I stopped, fork mid-air.  It’s been quite awhile that I’ve been looking for Him so I wondered if my mind was playing tricks on me, if maybe I said it to myself to comfort myself….  (Though I wouldn’t say it like that, and it interrupted my own thoughts enough to startle me.)

The next morning was Christmas Eve morning, and I awoke at 5:58am with the following dream (see excerpt). 

I got out of bed, went to the living room and built a fire.  I sat there silently.  Everything faded.  Every other person in my life faded so far in the background I couldn’t see them anymore (though I knew they were there), and it was just me and God.  [Almost like it used to be but also like it is now and should be.]

I was cognizant at that moment of just me and God.

There were no real thoughts at that time.  No words.  No prayers.  I half-expected Him to speak but thought that He probably wouldn’t.  This morning as I sat by the early fire and all the world faded to the background, I heard it again, “I’m right here, Michelle.”

He’s right here…..

I began talking with Him about the dream, and He began showing me some things.  [It would take the next three days to unpack different parts of it and what they meant, which I’ll share in a minute.]  I was at that place where it was still me and God – that “I’m right here, Michelle” place.  And I saw the landscape of the dream (and I use dream lightly here), and thought how I needed that place of the dream, that place unscathed by man, and Psalm 91 came to me…

 “He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty…”

Abide.  Abide.  Abide.

                The key.

       I must abide, dwell, live in the secret place….

In the dream, Bill symbolized Christ and we were walking and talking in the spiritual domain, in the spiritual terrain.  It was untouched by man for as far as I could see.  It was peace and safety and rest.  I was telling Bill/Christ the burdens of my heart, the questions I had, the weight I was carrying.  But it couldn’t touch me there.  I was safe there.  I was at peace there.  I was happy there.

Abide.  Abide.  Abide.  This is where I must abide, the secret place.  The place untouched by man.

I was so happy there that I had the conscious thought of building a reprieve there.  I knew I couldn’t live there because it was detached from my responsible life, but I knew I could go there.  I thought about how we would build it and with what. 

As I sat there with the Lord, the whole Psalm unfolded before me. 

I know there are many facets to the truths and promises in this Psalm, but a couple things struck me:  “NO EVIL SHALL BEFALL YOU….no plague come near your tent.”

The promise of THAT alone, the surety and assuredness in it are overwhelming.  If God is my dwelling place – the place where I live, where I abide – evil cannot befall me.  The plague cannot enter my home.

Our love for God, for Christ, puts us in a position that safeguards our vulnerability.  For so  long now, decades, I have felt secure and not afraid for my life – almost assured nothing could touch me apart from the will of God.  I couldn’t tell you why I was sure harm (in the form of evil kind of harm) could not touch me.  I just knew it – felt it in my bones.  In some ways it felt like an invincible sort of spirit.  I didn’t tempt evil to come get me by putting myself in deliberately precarious positions, I just didn’t fear evil.

It’s not that I was safe or impervious to struggle or hardship or pain or any number of situations that happen just from being a human and living on this earth.  I’m not talking about being spared from such like that.  There are various kinds of harm, hurts, and pains.  I want to be clear here.  I have just always felt certain forms of evil I was immune to – like they couldn’t touch me – only would I see the evil around me, but not personally on me.

This Psalm explains that which I’ve felt as my reality.  It may be happening all around me; I may see it with my own two eyes, but it will not touch me. 

And this matters.  This matters a great deal to me.  Because I spend a significant portion of my waking hours studying the works of evil in our society and in our world.  I have been disturbed by the implications of human cloning, transhumanism, and Artificial Intelligence.  The impact and capabilities of the new technologies to control human thought and action through nanoparticles injected (or even swallowed in food, water or air) and using cellular, wireless and Bluetooth technology to employ such, has mortified me.  What chance does humanity have over these schemes?  People can be infected unwillingly and unwittingly.  What precaution or shield do we have for THAT??

As I sat before the Lord and this Psalm came back to me, I marveled at the provision of God.  God is able.  God is willing.  All of this destruction – weather modification, bioengineered pandemics, transhumanism, mind control – is not outside the sphere of God’s sovereignty.  And He will protect WHOM from it??  He who sets his love upon God.

Selah

We will see and know the SALVATION – saving from harm or destruction – of the Almighty.

What a promise!  What a glorious, glorious promise! 

“I’m right here, Michelle.”

I’m not a god far off.  I’m right here.

The Spirit helped me understand the other pieces of the dream after this.  Anytime Ken Ellis is mentioned in my dreams, it’s how God signals that it’s a direct word from God.  [long personal story, but there’s a reason for this – also, his name means “royal oath, mouthpiece of God” – another way God underscores for me to pay attention]

In the dream I’m told of an account Ken told about a date in the 1800s where apparently the world was in a state of despair.  As he was telling me in the dream I could actually see (like watching a movie) a sidewalk scene where there were people in 1800s period clothing walking.  The countenance of the people were lifted in a noticeable and measurable way when they encountered someone who smiled and was happy.  Bill (Christ) said, “Maybe we’re missing it, Michelle.”  This was my course correction.

Be in the moment with those you’re with.  The despair and heaviness in the earth for those who endeavor righteousness is tangible.  There’s a growing despair over the wickedness of the days of Lot we’re in.  [actually read and contemplate 2 Peter 2:4-10]  My stiletto moment in the dream was this moment:  “Maybe we’re missing it Michelle”.  I can’t recapture the whole monologue Bill (Christ) told of the Ken Ellis message of a century or two ago, but its essence has stayed with me plainly.  We carry the hope of Christ within us.  The joy of the Lord is our strength.  This is our weapon in the midst of depravity and its ensuing despair.

We are kept by abiding in the secret place of the Most High, under the shadow of the Almighty.  Because we love God and have set our hearts upon Him, He delivers us from the wickedness around us.  The bioengineered weapons the enemy is using, the nanoparticles of control the enemy is deploying, the technology that invades our spheres, these are not pervious if we are abiding in the secret place.  It can’t get to us, and we are filled with joy and gratitude for the provision of our King for our defense.  That joy manifests in our peace in a world of conflict and turmoil.  That joy can be passed to those around us in despair.  Our attitudes, our spirits, can help those around us.

The only thing I saw in the scenery of my dream that was man-made was an unmarked rancher’s arch that was broken at the top right.  In the dream I marveled at how it was still standing and why it hadn’t fallen because of its brokenness.  The Spirit told me it represented the institutions of man and its infrastructure.  Just like I know today that the institutions of man are broken and I cannot understand how they are still standing.

God is a personal God.  He speaks to us where we are.  That was in my dream to show me God knows my heart, has heard my questions.  Maybe I’ll get the answer and maybe I won’t.  But He has heard and He spoke my heart back to me. 

There were other things He spoke to me about through that dream, but that was the essence I wanted to share publicly (and there are other parts of the dream I didn’t share).  I thought there may be others who fight despair, who have wondered where God is, who have questions, who are seeking….  Maybe it will help someone else.  He’s right here. 

If He’s silent on the battlefront right now, He’s not absent.  I think He’s calling His children to abide in the secret place, to secure the protections and provisions that come from that intimate relationship with our Creator and Father.  I think He’s telling us to carry the hope of Christ to those around us, to smile, to share our joy and our hope, our faith and our peace, to lift others out of that place of heaviness and despair, of fear and doubt, even though the world may be in darkness.  We are not, and we represent the One who saves.

Dreams, Essays and Thoughts

The fires, the house, and the hot tub

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September 1, 2003 dream

In the dream, Bill and I were in a van with our pastor and his wife.  For some very odd reason, I was driving.  We were out in the country, it seemed south of town.  It felt like down in Osage county or maybe a bit more south.  I was apparently familiar with the territory, and knew where we were going.  I was headed east on a dirt road, and we were conversing as we were driving along.

I saw in the distance billowing smoke.  I remember either thinking or saying that they must be burning pasture.  We kept driving.  As we traveled further east, the smoke grew larger.  I thought it must be a very large pasture.  Then we saw a stray cow or two on the road.  I wondered if the smoke if the smoke had driven them out or if a gate or fence was down.  We passed them as they were going down the road, westward. 

After a short distance we saw several more cattle, and the smoke was getting denser.  Then it was almost like a herd of cattle was being driven west down the road from the smoke and fire.  We realized we would not be able to drive into it and I turned onto a road heading north. 

After a short distance, I turned into a rather large homestead.  There was a large home, though I didn’t pay attention to it.  I parked the van, and we got out.  We walked around the house to the back of the house.  Around the back was a large patio, and then in a sort of semi-circle around that were three of four out buildings.  The nearest one to us was a small house, which I immediately discerned as servant’s quarters.  The other two or three buildings I did not pay attention to.

We stood there on the patio and looked at this large hot tub.  It was so large I immediately sensed it could seat thirty people.  It was unusual in size, rather oblong and oval in shape.  It reminded me in a way of the pirate ships, as the back of it rose up like such ships.  It was brown, and not made of wood.  The material it was made of I didn’t necessarily recognize.  As we stood there looking at it, we noticed it depicted a scene from Noah’s ark on it.  There were three dimensional images of animals in pairs along the side.  I’ve never seen anything like it.  We commented on it, and how we may be able to relax in this hot tub that night while we were waiting (for the fire crisis to pass).

The hot tub was rounder than this, but one end went up like this. (no flags or sails)

Then we turned and walked into the servant’s quarters little house, as though we knew that’s where we were to be.  A short period of time elapsed, and I had gone out to do something near the patio, though I don’t recall what.  Then I went back into the house.  It almost made me think of a shack of sorts.  It was more of a one or two room building/house, with some cupboards and a stove/kitchenette area.  There was a small round table along the west wall, with two chairs at it.

I crossed the room and sat in the furthest chair, which would have its back to the south.  There was a small window without a screen, open, just above the table.  The pastor was sitting in the opposite chair; Bill and the pastor’s wife were standing there in that area.  This is the first I noticed the kids were with us and were playing games on the floor. 

The door opened and an old couple walked in.  The wife came in first with her husband behind her.  It was as though they were expecting us.  The woman was small and apparently very old with white hair, yet perfectly fit.  She had kind eyes and a warm smile and began talking with us and giving us instructions on where to go to get things, wash up, etc.  The man came in behind her, and was so tall I never saw his face.  When I tried to see it, there was a shadow from how low the ceiling was compared to how tall he was. 

As the woman was speaking, I looked out the window and saw these animals coming across the lawn from the south heading north.  It was evident they were being driven by the fire.  The best I can tell, they were goats, yet they had the stature of men.  There was a goat in the lead, and then a large group following.  The lead goat looked across and saw us in the window of the house.  He seemed to talk or motion in some way to the rest of the goats, pointing to us.  I knew they were furious that we were in shelter while they were in peril.  I instantly knew this was trouble and they were inclined to harm us.  I stood up to reach outside the window and pull the exterior shutters in to shut them.  As I did, the goats began charging the window.  The lead goats head butted through the window at me, and at that moment, I glanced over and the old woman was coming across the floor towards me, saying, “oh this will be no problem.  I’ll take care of this.”  She picked up an iron skillet and swung it, hitting the goat squarely in the head.

Interpretation notes:

This dream is for the church, (the called out Believers of Christ not an institution).  (represented by us and our pastor)  It also represents our families in this hour it symbolizes.  (remember I saw our children only after we were on the property and in the servant’s quarters)  The “hour” represented here is a time of fire upon our land.

Cattle represent “children of the Kingdom”.  The fires of testing, purification and judgment drive the children of the Kingdom west.  West symbolizes “end or last”. 

While we were driving east, we were forced off the road to go north.  North stands for spiritual, heavenly, and/or spiritual warfare. 

The homestead was a spiritual haven, a refuge, a place of respite.  The servant’s quarters behind it were allotted for us.  There’s a place of refuge in the midst of the trials and warfare.  Our place is not yet in the house, but in the servant’s quarters, as that is who we are on the earth:  God’s servants.

The hot tub being in the shape of a ship and depicting Noah’s ark is the most profound part to me.  This speaks of the provision of safety for the children of God, just as it was in Noah’s day.  There’s a place reserved for us.  Notice that we were driven there by the fires. 

The woman in the dream represented the Holy Spirit and the man represented God.  They have instructions for us in this waiting period, this time we’re driven off the thoroughfare to wait it out.  They have a place of safety and also relaxation (hot tub).

Goats represent sinners, unbelievers, negative persons, strife and/or argumentative.  Those in peril from the fires God is sending will be enraged by our place of safety and provision.  They will want very much to attack us, but the Spirit will shield us and take care of the attackers.

Note there were no cattle in that last scene, only goats.  There’s a separation between the children of God and the scorners, unbelievers.