This is just a personal experience I want to recount that I may learn from it and have it recorded should another occasion manifest that I can apply the lesson.

I became friends with a gal on facebook.  We’ll call her “Carly Simon”.  I loved Carly’s hunger for truth and the Word of God.  I watched her from afar for awhile.  She has a tremendous following, very well liked, very much venerated.   I watched for awhile because of the mixture I saw in some of her work.  But then she had a humbling experience and I watched her humble herself and repent, and it moved me. 

Carly and I struck up some personal conversations over time, away from the public eye, and bounced ideas and theories off of each other.  We shared experiences and revelations we had each had.  We actually met up and I thought we had a great first meeting.

But there was this weird undercurrent I kept perceiving.  It wasn’t always there – it kind of ebbed and flowed.  And I couldn’t pinpoint what it was about.  I usually mark such things off as something inherent in me.  I’ve been burned by so many, trust is difficult for me to achieve.  So I figure I’m too suspicious or too guarded.  Sometimes the damage of things experienced in the past cause me insecurities in the present, but I manage them relatively well.  Regardless, I thought Carly was real and honest, so I kept proceeding forward in a quasi friendship. 

There was a time I shared a very personal testimony of an encounter I had with the Lord several years back.  I think only four people know about it.  The next day she recounted the same encounter with my same talking points in a post, only as though it was her personal experience.  I didn’t know what to do with that, so I just made a mental note to not share too deeply in the future.  I gave her the benefit of the doubt and moved on.

Some of the digs Carly did I just didn’t understand.  Her mind worked in ways mine did not and I had trouble connecting the dots she connected.  If I didn’t understand what she was saying in a post, I usually scrolled on.  Plenty of people lauded her; her work was/is beneficial to hundreds to thousands of people.  And I couldn’t tell what this undercurrent that kept ebbing back in was about.

Then she made a post about Esau and the Edomites, and some very specific things connecting from the past to players in the present.  I didn’t get it, so I scrolled on.  A mutual friend tagged me on that post thinking I would appreciate it.  So I revisited the post, reread it with new eyes, and was troubled by it.  It didn’t resonate with me, and I wasn’t sure why. 

I wondered if it was pride on my part.  She had connected some genealogy lines from Esau into the present day, and I have studied a significant portion of genealogy over the past two decades.  Was my pride insulted that she had discovered something I never had before?  Was it disappointment in myself that I had studied so long and had missed a critical piece?  I couldn’t be sure my reaction was not my own flesh, so I was reluctant to do anything with it. 

Yet as I thought it over, I thought, maybe if I understood where she was coming from…. 

A constant private criticism I’ve had of Carly’s work is her lack of posting her sources and even her lack of giving credit to other works.  She has quoted other work without using quotations, which of course leads the reader to believe it’s the writer’s own words.  And although this is plagiarism, I overlooked these things as though she must not realize it – perhaps does not know proper writing technique.  Her content was good and insightful and I would have loved to have incorporated some of it in some of my own work, but I had nothing to source it to, so I felt unable to.

These conflicts were raging in me as I finished reading her post on Esau a second time.  And then I thought, just figure out where she’s getting her information.  So I quoted her:  “Esau swore to destroy every last Tribe of Israel member that ever existed.”  Can you tell me where you source that please? (smiley face)

When she replied, sometimes the comment section shows the most recent reply first, and she replied with Genesis 27:41:  Now Esau hated Jacob because of the blessing with which his father had blessed him, and Esau said to himself, “The days of mourning for my father are approaching; then I will kill my brother Jacob.”

So I replied back that I was trying to clarify that Esau would destroy the tribes of Israel.  In the meantime, the other comment she left showed up after I posted that follow up question.  In it, she commented Jubilees 37:23.  After reading that, I deleted my follow up question and replied, “Sorry!  This one was blocked when I looked a minute ago.  Thanks!”  She gave it a thumb’s up.

I was disturbed as I sat there mulling this over, but I couldn’t put my finger on it.  There were some fleeting thoughts that ran across my mind.  I stood up from my office chair and walked out of my office.  I can’t specifically recall the flurry of thoughts that ran across my mind, but I do remember that as I started walking down my hallway I said aloud, “No.  This is not a competition.  I will not compete for the knowledge of the things of God.”

I went to bed that night praying and asking God why I was troubled, with no clear answer.  The next morning I was in my kitchen doing dishes and I asked the Lord if this was just my flesh rising up?  I talked with God for a bit about it and I said to Him, “I will humble myself and learn from Carly.  You are able to speak to anyone, and it doesn’t matter how many years I’ve studied and researched.  If I’ve missed something, I’ve missed something.”  So I set myself to ask her  to help me understand how she reached her conclusions on Esau.

I sent her a personal message and told her I wanted to understand the Esau thoughts she had better.

Her reply was this: 

So what specifically would you like me to explain?  The is [sic] broad question and I’m sure you’re looking for me to try and convince you of something I believe.  I’m also not trying to be rude but I know what you were doing with your comment on my post the other day because the HS told me and because you deleted your comment.  I’m not sure what you’re looking to learn from me but rather prove me wrong?

….I’m not rude or mean but I am letting you know I believe you’re looking to discredit me.

If I’m wrong I apologize but that [sic] what my gut told me.

Now this isn’t really about the topic of Esau.  It’s about an accusation that I somehow have set out to discredit Carly.  And she told me the Holy Spirit told her that.  (I’m not sure it was the same Holy Spirit I was talking to, though, because that’s not how my conversation with Him went.)

I sought the Lord for quite some time on this.  The last thing I want is my flesh sabotaging the work of the Spirit in my life or others.  For starters, the Spirit told me that was an accusation, and accusations come from the accuser (satan).  [Revelation 12:10]  So immediately I know the spirit behind this is not the Holy Spirit. 

I placed my heart upon the altar and asked God to search it, in case there was some unclean way in it.  [For the record, I would assume there is.  If I am not constantly taking my thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ, then I can rest assured the enemy can creep into them.]  I immediately went back to the exchange on the post in my comments.  I wondered if I was off in my flesh and thought I must have been…..  Then the Spirit reminded me of the statement I made aloud when I walked out of my office.  I rebuked that thought line and rejected it.

What I think He showed me was that a spirit of contention, strife and maybe competition was working between us, and it was working on me when I read her post, and it worked on her when I commented on it.  I think the Lord showed me it was an unclean spirit trying to move on my thoughts, and that same spirit accused me before Carly.  It was an assignment to bring contention and strife.  And it worked. 

I’m really quite sad about the whole thing, because now that the accusation has been made, and though I denied it, [I told her, “Not at all my intention.  I’m sorry you feel that way.”], there has been no effort for reconciliation. 

As I further searched my heart the Lord asked me, “Would you discredit Carly, Michelle?”  After honest thought I could say no.  No I wouldn’t.  I may disagree with her if my own findings differed, but I would not set out to publicly discredit a friend who I trust is seeking God for truth.  I would either stay silent (most likely) or just simply disagree in a respectful “agree to disagree” sort of way.  It is not my ambition EVER to discredit brothers and sisters seeking God.  So no, it is not even my nature or inclination to do such.

And I just offer this here for myself really.  As a reminder of the cunningness of the enemy to speak into our minds, to sow seeds of doubt, and contention, strife, even competition.  These are not fruits of the Spirit of God.  I must reject them as they come to me, and I must rightly identify them.

Carly and I have not spoken since then.  I bless her and her work.  I have prayed for her and that God would use her mightily for His Kingdom purposes.  I am resolved to not allow any more damage to the work of the Kingdom in this matter.  I just thought I’d need this reminder to take thoughts captive, look at the fruit of the thoughts, and discern their origin.  I must crucify the flesh, and cast out darkness.  To God be all the Glory.