I’ll be sharing some learning moments from a family trauma we’ve been going through for a few years now.  I’m only sharing things we’ve learned from God, not the trauma itself, in an effort to testify to God’s great love for all of us and how He is in the midst of even the drudgery of human failures.

I’ve been watching my husband slowly inwardly dying from the pain of this trial.  [I have my own issues with it, but this is not about that right now.]  Several months ago I had a dream and in one part, Bill was swimming in a river with a water turtle (turtles are a passion of his), and an alligator came up and bit him.  He was too far away for me to get to because the river bank was so high, and I watched his lifeless body sinking to the river bed about 25 feet below as I heard myself screaming his name.  No other part of the dream was about Bill, so I was startled by this inset in the dream.  I looked up the symbolism of an alligator attack and this stood out:  a spiritual attack often manifesting in treachery, and then an issue, challenge, or person stopping one’s flow.  When I inquired of the Spirit upon waking, God told me Bill was inwardly dying from the treachery involved in the trial.

I’ve watched as has felt stuck, unable to move forward, but unwilling to compromise what he knows is truth – to the painful detriment of his heart.  It seems to come and go in waves, with sometimes obvious, sometimes not so obvious triggers that set him back again. It has manifested even in physical symptoms of physical pain, and I am grieved watching him in so much pain, but unable to assuage it. 

Last week revealed more pain for Bill, and much of this pain he shoulders alone, unwilling to share with me because of his desire to shield me from further affliction.  The simplest word for his pain is abandonment.  He (and our family) have been abandoned by one he (and our family) dearly loves.  He did not see it coming, and it has crippled him in ways I am not at liberty to discuss.

Bill is a fixer.  He cannot fix this, and every attempt he has made to fix it has only seemingly worsened it.  He has withdrawn outward efforts in an attempt to not make matters any worse.  [I withdrew years ago when it seemed my presence only intensified the matter.]

Which brings us up to recent events that found Bill incapacitated by physical pain that I believe was brought on by emotional pain.  As he poured out his heart to me, I felt unable to bring relief or comfort.  Yet I felt the Lord speak through me when I told him he had to stop processing this ordeal through a particular title/role he holds in it.  He has done all he can to demonstrate his love and acceptance of this person, and there is nothing more he can do that will not compromise him, his convictions, and his obedience to God in the matter.  He needs to lay that down and focus on his role as a son, a son of God.  How does God see him?  What does God think of him?  What is God asking of him?

The next morning he relayed a dream he had the night before.  He had rented a ground tamper from Dale Sharp Auto.  (hilarious because Dale Sharp sells cars, does not rent tools)  He was pulling it with his truck and got caught in a snow storm.  The storm was so bad he was starting to get stuck.  He felt like he was stuck in a part of our city called “Oakland”.  He got out his phone to call Dale Sharp to tell them he might be late to getting the tamper back because of the storm, when a young boy rolled up beside him outside on a child’s sized snowmobile.  The boy and his snowmobile were moving effortlessly in the storm, even moving snow out of the way.  He woke up.

The storm represents the trial he is in, and snow represents purifying.  God is using this present trial to purify Bill in specific ways.  Bill is trying to resolve the issue/conflict in the manner he knows but he is unable to labor his way out of this storm.  (He is not meant to.)  Oaks symbolize strength and power, and he is getting stuck in the place he is trying to maneuver in his own strength or power.  Dale means “valley”.  Bill is walking in the “valley of the shadow of death” (remember the alligator dream), but the valley will sharpen him.  God is showing him he can move through this purifying storm by returning to the childlike faith Christ speaks of.  He will then be able to move effortlessly, even move the snow in his way.

I love the takeaway in this, and how every one of us can apply it.  We all have situations and trials we get stuck in, and our best labors will not get us out.  But as children of God, we must choose to identify in our roles as sons and daughters of God.  The particular intricacies of our trials obviously all vary with the uniqueness of our personal lives.  But to be children of God is the keystone to our existence and our purposes in every relationship.  When we get stuck, maybe we just need to get back to that premise, that foundation of who we are.  Maybe then we will be able to move in the storms designed to take us out, but our roles as God’s children will instead move us through.