Let me start by saying who I am is not who I’ve always been.  In fact who I am today is not even who I was a year ago, and there is barely a resemblance to who I was ten years ago.  That said, dare I continue to expound and proclaim who I was 25+ years ago is not at all who I am today?

Yes, I have changed, and the truth of the difference between seasons of my life before and the season I am in now, is I was a much worse person the further back you go.  This is not to endorse myself as particularly superb at this point, but it is to say past deeds of error and failure cannot be denied, and such past deeds have indeed hurt people I love – even though it was not my desire to do so.

I will not justify past pains I have caused by dismissing them as errors and young folly, especially in the face of suffering such may have caused to others.  I regret every past sin, wish I had the wisdom and understanding and ability to behave differently then, and in an act of rectifying, try very hard to not be so today.

That said, if you are to view me today through the lens of my past failures, there is no hope for me.  Today I am not that person in essence.  Viewing me through the filter of yesterday will distort me today.  Sure, there are plenty of faults I carry today, but I am more than happy to be accountable for them and change as needed. 

Which leads to the lesson I wanted to share in the hopes of helping another….

Years ago, some that I love very dearly began a campaign (though they would never call it so) against me.  These are people I have laid down my life for, and would do so today.  Accusations (some true, some false) were flung against me from places of pain within themselves, pain from things I had done or said in the past (again some true, some false), and from misunderstandings.   At first I was unaware of the talk, but slowly it began to seep out to me.  Some was literally spoken to me, but most of it was veiled behind passive-aggressive behaviors.

At one point, the Spirit of God gave me visions of 2-3 of these people speaking amongst each other, and I saw whirlwinds of dark, polluted words over their heads.  When I inquired of the Lord, He simply told me they were bringing accusations and complaints about me to one another and stirring up dissension and strife in our family.

It took me awhile to understand what was going on.  I had been bewildered when some of their attitudes toward me changed, became hostile or combative, and especially accusatory.  At one point, the Spirit showed me two of them on the phone, showed a computer screen with my social media page pulled up, and showed condemning words over me from both parties.  I unfriended both from my social media page without comment, as I didn’t want more conflict.  I did so in an effort to remove gasoline from a burning fire.

Our family dynamics began to change.  Factions crept up, what seemed like alliances pitting some against others came to be.  Triangulating began between parties.  The worse it got, the more I distanced myself.  At first I tried to understand, tried to reach out to the offended parties.  I went through a very, very long season (a few years) of great angst.  My efforts to try to bridge growing chasms, to apologize or extend mending efforts only seemed to exacerbate the situation. 

In the thickest part of this darkness, I struggled a great deal trying very hard to not view those I love with my entire being as enemies.  The arrows kept coming; the sabotage was real; and I was being alienated and put outside of the people I cared the most about.  It rocked everything in me.  If it weren’t for God breaking in with His truths at critical times, I do not know where I’d be today.  It was destroying me and I was slowly dying.

It seemed to originate with one particular person, the one I called best friend and had felt the closest to by a long shot.  Over the years our relationship died.  I prayed about our relationship, prayed for this person, reached out less and less as the extensions were rebuffed.  Finally God Himself spoke to me and told me two things about where this person was, and one thing about what the future would bring.

The first thing He told me was proven within days.  The second thing I began to see and understand a few years later.  The promise of the future I just hold on to, sometimes I see it and sometimes I don’t.

But the lesson I want to share right now is this.  In the worst part of this, when the accusations and slander was flying, the behaviors were hostile and even cruel, I had to fight to not to want to defend myself, not to want to lash out.  My own thoughts became dark with questions and doubts, and I struggled to not retaliate out of my own pain.  I did not always overcome. 

One particular day as I was nursing wounds over recent events, I was struggling to find the right course of action and attitude when the Spirit spoke.  He paraphrased this passage from James 3:

Who among you is wise and understanding? Let him show by his good behavior his deeds in the gentleness of wisdom.  But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your heart, do not be arrogant and so lie against the truth.  This wisdom is not that which comes down from above, but is earthly, natural, demonic.  For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder (confusion) and every evil thing.  But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy.  And the seed whose fruit is righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.

Then said, “What kind of fruit is this producing, Michelle?” 

Then He led me to Galatians 5:19-24:

Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions,  envying, drunkenness, carousing, and things like these, of which I forewarn you, just as I have forewarned you, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.  But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. Now those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.

Strife, enmities, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions were abounding in our family.  “Where do these come from, Michelle?” He asked.  These are “every evil thing”; these are the works of darkness.  And in that moment it was no longer about the people but about the spirits operating through the people.  For me to respond or react in anger, in defense even, in manners that would exacerbate the divisions and factions already produced, would be for me to partner with darkness to our family’s demise.  I did not want to be a vehicle for the devil’s work and to the demise of our family.  I had to choose to respond in wisdom and love, and if I couldn’t do that, I must keep silence.  I do not want my family’s demise.  I do not want any of the people involved to be damaged.

I posted the following on my wall where I would see it daily.

As the days proceeded to challenge my resolve, I remembered some instructions I learned back in the days I was getting deliverance.  When you remove the dark, you must replace it with light.  So I made a couple more notes and put them in prominent places I would see with the additional instruction.  This one is faded from being in the sun.

The people I love are manifesting works of darkness.  I must refuse to participate with the works of darkness.  I cannot retaliate; I cannot return like for like, and most of the time I am not even to defend myself.  In my silence, I run the risk of being misunderstood, (which is quite normal for me actually).  But I dare not disgrace my God, and this is the way I know to do so at this point.  (even though there are moments I still fail)

It’s interesting the different lessons I’ve been learning along the way.  I spend so much of my time raging against the machine and the evils of the world that I was caught off guard when the darkness manifested in the place that used to be my refuge.  It’s been equally devastating to watch the toll it has taken on my beloved.  I have a lifetime of rejections and abandonments that have in part “prepared” me.  He has had only one that nearly devastated him almost thirty years ago.  It has been particularly painful watching him suffer from the loss of those he loves.  It’s not what we think family is supposed to be.  It’s not what we endeavor family to be.  And dare I say it’s not what family was designed to be.

We live in a fallen world, and like never before I can see the powers of darkness clashing with the kingdom of Light – both externally and internally.  We have choices, albeit hard ones.  Ultimately, our allegiance will manifest in our behaviors, regardless of what our tongues say. 

I cannot help but think on the situation our family has been in for far too long now.  It is fractured, with clear strife, divisions and other manifestations of darkness.  Years ago the Spirit directed me to memorize 1 Corinthians 13.  Sometimes when I recount harsh words against me that have been left to stand as they were stated, have not been recanted, corrected or amended, the Spirit gently whispers to me, “That is not the nature of love.”  And if it’s not the nature of love, then it is in fact the nature of darkness.

God has broken in for me at precise moments to keep me from utter despair or a downward spiral of condemnation.  I do not write this from a point of need.  He has been faithful to me; has used even strangers to tell me what He thinks of some of this – strangers who knew nothing of my situation.  I only share because I think so many of us suffer from works of darkness manifesting in places we wish it wasn’t.  It’s so much easier to fight the battle outside than within.  The cost is so much greater when it is people we love than evil systems by unnamed or unknown people. 

When it’s people we love in an environment that’s supposed to be safe, we are called to personify love.  We must remember that love suffers long, that it is kind, that it does not behave rudely, that it does not seek its own, and that it keeps no record of wrong.  We can be assured that we do not rejoice in the iniquity that is challenging it, but we do indeed rejoice at the truth.  This has been a hard place especially for my husband, for he is unwilling to compromise what he knows to be truth to assuage emotions.  But ultimately, love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things and even endures all things.  Love never fails.  The reason love never fails is because God is love.  We must choose our alliances, God or darkness.  The details rarely if ever work out or manifest the way we think or want them to.  It doesn’t matter, though.  We set our eyes upon our Master and try not to flinch as we emulate His character, even at great personal cost. 

“Refuse to participate in the works of darkness.  Walk in light.”

I pray this encourages someone to seek the Kingdom of Light while walking through the valley of death, and to demonstrate love even in the face of pain and darkness.